I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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