I wanna bring you to show and tell
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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