i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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