What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
