My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
