Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
