i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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