Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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