I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize