When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
