I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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