I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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