I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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