We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
