i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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