Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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