Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
