for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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