I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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