she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
