When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
