dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I deserve this hangover.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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