How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
