i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
