He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize