im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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