i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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