dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i love accidental penises.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
