At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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