where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
