The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
