allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
