My sheets look like a crime scene.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Randomize