How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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