he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize