Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
