You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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