I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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