Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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