i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We are two peas in an std pod
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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