how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
