Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
