Your mouth is God's brothel.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I can't put those talents on a resume
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
