While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
