I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
