I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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