I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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