Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
