I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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