then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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