sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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