the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
