forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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