sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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