Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The ass gains better be worth it
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