I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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