tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
