If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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