My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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