Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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