Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
