Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Too much gin, very little bucket
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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